Saturday, December 25, 2010

Chapter 7

Han Bi: Henry really said that? Are you sure?
KSW Oppa’s Wife: That's what Ji Tae said.
Han Bi: Whatever. I bet he’s a faker – he’s probably only been to America in his dreams.
KSW Oppa’s Wife: lol

And I actually laughed out loud. Well, not really, but I chuckled. It’s funny how everyone tended to exaggerate online. Other than guys adding an average of 4 inches to their heights and women subtracting an average of 15lbs, simple expressions like ‘lol’ actually meant “I’m slightly amused." Something like ‘rotflmao’ meant “That was cute” and for me, more often than not, ‘brb’ meant “I don’t want to talk to you.”

KSW Oppa’s Wife: Oppa, did u finally watch Xman last week?
Han Bi: How many times will I tell you that I don’t watch that crap?
KSW Oppa’s Wife: You really should. It was pretty good because they had DBSK on but I don’t understand why they won’t get Sang Woo Oppa.
Han Bi:

Oh, and meant “I have no point so I’ll just pretend I’m rolling my eyes.” Kang Han Bi was a second year college student I’d previously met at one of my grandfather’s (now uncle’s) company’s shareholder’s meetings. Just like everyone else under 21, he'd looked bored and annoyed at being forced to attend another stupid meeting where the adults kissed each other’s asses while their male kids sat stiffly with 500,000 Won ties strangling the color out of their faces.

I was standing stiffly at the bar in my 100,000 Won toe-pinching shoes trying to see if I could dig a hole in ground with the heel and disappear when he walked up to me. Since I was going through my “I hope I am not a lesbian” phase, I talked to him and gave him my number. A little over a year later, we were friends who kept in touch mainly by Instant Messenger.

Han Bi: What are you doing this weekend?

I was about to type my usual, “nothing” when another window popped up.

KSW Oppa’s Wife: brb

I clicked on the blinking window.

Ass-Anal sucks: Hey.

Uhm. Okay. I had this knack for allowing myself to be added to every single contact list and it looked like it had come back to bite me in the ass.

Ass-Anal sucks: What’s up?

I looked at the email address but couldn’t place it.

KSW Oppa’s Wife: Who the hell is this?
Ass-Anal sucks: Jesus.

So not only was it deranged, it was also stupid?

KSW Oppa’s Wife: Was that supposed to be funny?
Ass-Anal sucks: What’s funny about saving your soul?
KSW Oppa’s Wife: Fcuk off, you sick freak. I’m blocking you now.
Ass-Anal sucks: Chill. It’s Ji Tae.

What the…? How tha…? Then I put 2 and 2 together and figured that he must have gotten my address from the email I sent him with the Lost links. What a stalker.

Ass-Anal sucks: Are you still there or have you run off?

I could practically see him smirking.

KSW Oppa’s Wife: Why would I run off?
Ass-Anal sucks: Ask yourself that question.
KSW Oppa’s Wife: wtf?
Ass-Anal sucks: Whatever. Can you read Chinese?

What? What kind of conversation were we having? Was I in some kind of alternate dimension? I looked around but everything looked the same.

KSW Oppa’s Wife: Why do you want to know that?
Ass-Anal sucks: It’s a simple question: Yes or No?


KSW Oppa’s Wife: I can manage.
Ass-Anal sucks: Cool. I found a site that has recent Lost episodes subtitled in Chinese. I’ll send you the link.

Ehm… Okay. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that.

KSW Oppa’s Wife: Cool.
Ass-Anal sucks: So who’s KSW?
KSW Oppa’s Wife: You don’t know Kwon Sang Woo?
Ass-Anal sucks: Is that the one from the crappy girly movie about the two guys in the palace?

I chuckled. It was funny how almost every guy I knew hated The King and The Clown.

“What’s funny?” Yun Ah asked, interrupting me in mid-type.

I quickly covered the MSN window with my hands. “It’s none of your business.”

But that only intensified her curiosity. “What?” She tried to pull my hands off but I elbowed her side.

“Ouch. Why are you so mean? Okay just tell me who it is.”

I shook my head.

“Hee Soo’s got a boyfriend, Hee Soo’s got a boyfriend,” she teased. She probably would have kept it up all day long if she hadn’t gotten distracted by something on her screen. I didn’t even have to look to know that it must have been something Kyung Min had written on MSN. Could someone please explain why someone would IM the person sitting right next to them? What happened to just turning your head and talking? And this wasn’t a one off thing. Yun Ah and her First Husband did it all the time. They even went as far as IMing eachother while they were on the phone to each other! Was that supposed to be cute?

Ass-Anal sucks just sent you a Nudge!
Ass-Anal sucks: Are you still there?
KSW Oppa’s Wife: Yeah.
Ass-Anal sucks: So am I right? Is that KSW?

Oh, back to this. Of course he wasn’t right. Only a deranged loser would mistake the epitome of maleness for the epitome of femaleness. Lee Jun Ki was cute in his own way but could we not insult Kwon Sang Woo? Thanks in advance. I was about to tell him off when I finally understood who he'd meant.

KSW Oppa’s Wife: Oh. No, dummy. That’s Gam Woo Song. Oppa has been in a lot of dramas and movies like Sad Love Song, Running Wild, My Tutor Friend, Stairway to Heaven etc etc

It turned out he’d seen My Tutor Friend because his ex had brought the DVD over and forced him to watch it with her. It’s funny how you probably knew more about your enemy than you did your friend. He didn’t mention her name but I knew he was talking about Lee Tae Ran: The most annoying do-gooder this side of PETA. After recommending some of Kwon Sang Woo’s work to him, I decided that it was time to change the subject.

KSW Oppa’s Wife: I take it you’re not a fan of sodomy?
Ass-Anal sucks : What?
KSW Oppa’s Wife: Your name
Ass-Anal sucks: lol. Oh. That’s about a soccer team.
KSW Oppa’s Wife: Oh. Arsenal?
Ass-Anal sucks : You know them? Do you like soccer?
KSW Oppa’s Wife: Nope. But Ki Won does. Are you a Man-U fan as well?
Ass-Anal sucks: Hell no. It’s all about Chelsea, baby!

I was about to ask him if I looked like a 15 month old child when Han Bi’s MSN window blinked. I instantly felt bad for forgetting about him but when I started to write my apology, I realized that he was already offline.

When I got back to Ass, he’d begun to write an epistle explaining why Chelsea was the best team in the English Premier League so I left him with a ‘brb’ and started on my homework


“I’ve got one question,” Ji Tae said.

He’d returned from helping my sister with her homework and we hadn’t exchanged a word in the fifteen or so minutes he’d been there.

“What?” I asked, not taking my eyes off the fanmade JaeHo video montage I was watching on youtube. I just couldn’t get over how adorable those boys were and when Yun Ho covered Jae Joong’s mouth and hugged him so possessively, my heart fluttered. DBSK rocks!

“How is it that I’ve never seen you study and you’re not flunking out of school?”

I groaned. He was taking my mind off all that JaeHo goodness to ask me that? “I’m just naturally brilliant.”

“No, I’m serious. You don’t wake up in the middle of the night to secretly study, do you?”

“Do I look crazy to you?”'

He looked me straight in the eye. “Do you really want me to answer that?”

“Fcuk off!” I said as I rewound the part where Yun Ho massaged Jae Joong's thigh. I arched my brow and tried to figure out if I found that hot or not.

“But seriously, how do you do it?”

I sighed. Why couldn’t he just let me be? “I just happen to have a photographic memory or whatever. As far as I attend class, I’m fine. And I usually do my homework while waiting for Umma to pick me up. Are you happy now?”

“So you mean to say that if you actually applied yourself you could be a genius?”

I shrugged. “Probably not. Besides, why would I want that?” I reached for my bookbag. “But now that you've disturbed me, I’ve got a math problem for you. I think I’m doing it correctly but it doesn’t fit with the example in the book.”

I pulled out some books and went over to him.

He spent some minutes looking over my work. “Yeah, I think there’s a mistake in the book.”

I was standing behind him and looking over his shoulder. “You’d better be right because if I get this back and the teacher marks it wrong, you’re in big--”

We were interrupted by the sound of the door being opened. We looked around to see my mother walk in.

“You’re still here? Do you think you own this place or what?” my mother asked with irritation. She’d been having problems with one of her contracts and as such, had been spending an inordinate amount of time on it. “Okay, I have some work to do. Go and study in your room.”

What the bloody… “Both of us?”

“Yes.” She looked at me like I'd asked the dumbest question since the last question Jessica Simpson asked.

“But Umma, he’s a guy and I’m a girl.”

“So what? Is anything going to happen?” she asked, daring me to say otherwise.

“Of course not,” I replied in disgust. There was no way I’d committed that many sins in my past life.

“Then what’s the problem? Study in there from now on.”

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